1778 – In Paris, the Treaty of Alliance and the Treaty of Amity and Commerce were signed by the United States and France signaling thr official recognition of the United States.
1820 – The first 86 African American immigrants departed New York to start a settlement in present-day Liberia.
February 6, 1950 Birthday (fictional) Arthur Weasley, Harry Potter
1952 – Queen Elizabeth II succeeded to the British Throne.
1959 – At Cape Canaveral, Florida, a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile had the first successful test firing.
If you were born on February 6th, You were likely conceived the week of… May 16th (prior year)
Pay a Compliment Day
Do you ever feel like the world is just too negative? It seems that everywhere we turn, someone is complaining or being rude. Well, today is the day to turn all of that around! Today is Pay-a-Compliment Day, a day where we should give genuine and soulful compliments to everyone we encounter.
This holiday was created by Adrienne Koopersmith on February 6th, 1995. She noticed on a cold Chicago day that someone who wasn’t at a bus stop was frantically waving at the bus she was on, hoping that it would stop; the bus driver stopped and let the person on. When Koopersmith exited the bus, she complimented the driver on how nice it was that he had stopped. Koopersmith then went home and decided to make the holiday.
So, what is a genuine and soulful compliment? A genuine compliment is something that comes from the heart; it’s honest and meaningful. A soulful compliment is one that touches the other person’s spirit; it’s heartfelt and compassionate. Today, let’s take the time to give these kinds of compliments to everyone we meet. Let’s make someone’s day a little bit brighter, just by telling them how wonderful they are!
Some ideas for giving great, sincere compliments:
You have beautiful eyes.
I love your smile.
Your hair looks so pretty today.
You’re such a kind person.
I appreciate how you always help others.
You’re one of the most talented people I know.
Thank you for being there for me when I needed someone.
So, what are you waiting for? Spread some love and joy today by giving great compliments to everyone you meet! Happy Pay-a-Compliment Day! :
February 6th is…
Bob Marley Day in Jamaica and Ethiopia Frozen Yogurt Day International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation Lame Duck Day Pay a Compliment Day
February 6th Birthday Quotes
“I swing big, with everything I’ve got. I hit big or I miss big. I like to live as big as I can.” – Babe Ruth
“I’ve married a few people I shouldn’t have, but haven’t we all?” – Mamie Van Doren
“I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. So, with all the creative energy at our command, let us begin an era of national renewal. Let us renew our determination, our courage, and our strength. And let us renew our faith and our hope. We have every right to dream heroic dreams. Those who say that we’re in a time when there are no heroes, they just don’t know where to look.” – Ronald Reagan
“One love, One heart, Let’s get together and feel alright.” – Bob Marley
“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.” – Babe Ruth
“They’re Greaat!” -Thurl Ravenscroft, as Tony The Tiger
“The practical value of history is to throw the film of the past through the material projector of the present on to the screen of the future.” – Henry Liddell
“I’ve never acted my age and I never will. It’s just the way I’ve always been.” – Mamie Van Doren
“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
February 6th Birthdays
1756 – Aaron Burr, American colonel and politician (died in 1836) 1811 – Henry Liddell, English priest, author, and academic (died in 1898) 1820 – Thomas C. Durant, American railroad tycoon (died in 1885) 1833 – J.E.B. Stuart, USA & CSA American general (died in 1864) 1895 – Babe Ruth, American baseball player and coach (died in 1948) 1911 – Ronald Reagan, American actor and politician, 40th President of the United States (died in 2004) 1912 – Eva Braun, German wife of Adolf Hitler (died in 1945) 1913 – Mary Leaky, English paleoanthropologist (died in 1996) 1914 – Thurl Ravenscroft, American voice actor and singer (died in 2005) 1917 – Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hungarian-American actress and socialite (died in 2016) 1922 – Patrick Macnee, English-American actor (died in 2015) 1931 – Rip Torn, American actor (died in 2019) 1931 – Mamie Van Doren, American actress and model 1939 – Mike Farrell, American actor and activist 1940 – Tom Brokaw, American journalist 1941 – Gigi Perreau, American actress 1942 – Tommy Roberts, English fashion designer (died in 2012) 1943 – Fabian Forte, American actor and singer 1950 – Natalie Cole, American singer-songwriter (died in 2015) 1957 – Kathy Najimy, American comedic actress 1958 – Barry Miller, American actor 1962 – Axl Rose, American singer-songwriter 1966 – Rick Astley, English singer-songwriter 1977 – Josh Stewart, American actor 1982 – Alice Eve, English actress 1985 – Kris Humphries, American basketball player 1993 – Tinashe, American singer-songwriter
February 6th History
60 – The earliest known reference to a single day of the week (Sunday) in Pompeii.
1788 – Massachusetts became the sixth state to ratify the Constitution.
1819 – Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles founded Singapore.
1820 – The first 86 African American immigrants sponsored by the American Colonization Society left New York to start a settlement in present-day Liberia.
1843 – The first minstrel show in the United States, The Virginia Minstrels, opened at the Bowery Amphitheatre in New York City.
1891 – The Dalton Gang’s first attempt at train robbery failed. Bob, Grat, and Bill Dalton unsuccessfully tried to rob a Southern Pacific train near Alila, California.
1919 – The American Legion was founded.
1926 – The National Football League (NFL) adopted a rule that made players ineligible for competition until their college class graduated.
1928 – A woman calling herself Anastasia Tschaikovsky and claiming to be the youngest daughter of the murdered czar of Russia arrived in New York City. In 1991, DNA evidence indicated she was not the Russian princess.
1933 – The 20th Amendment to the Constitution was declared in effect, making the start of presidential, vice-presidential and congressional terms from March to January.
1937 – John Steinbeck’s novella Of Mice and Men was published.
1951 – The Broker, a Pennsylvania Railroad passenger train, derailed near Woodbridge Township, New Jersey, killing 85 people and injured over 500 more.
1952 – Queen Elizabeth II succeeded to the British throne.
1959 – The first patent for an integrated circuit (computer chip) was filed by Jack Kilby of Texas Instruments.
1959 – At Cape Canaveral, the first successful test firing of a Titan intercontinental ballistic missile.
1965 – #1 Hit February 6, 1965 – February 19, 1965: Righteous Brothers – You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
1971 – Astronaut Alan B. Shepard used a six-iron that he had brought inside his spacecraft and swung at three golf balls on the surface of the moon. He said it went for “miles and miles.”
1978 (Blizzard) The Blizzard of 1978 – One of the worst Nor’easters in New England history, hit the region, with sustained winds of 65 mph and snowfall of four inches an hour.
1982 – #1 Hit February 6, 1982 – March 19, 1982: The J. Geils Band – Centerfold
1985 – The French mineral water company, Perrier, debuted its first new product in 123 years. The new items were water with a twist of lemon, lime, or orange.
1988 – #1 Hit February 6, 1988 – February 19, 1988: Tiffany – Could’ve Been
1998 – Washington National Airport was renamed the Ronald Reagan National Airport.
2000 – First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton formally declared that she was a candidate for a U.S. Senate seat from the state of New York.
2005 – American Dad premiered on FOX
Today’s Random Trivia and Shower Thoughts
It is said that Batman can beat anyone with prep time. The same can be said for Kevin from home alone.
Kurt Cobain recorded a theme for The Ren & Stimpy Show, but Nickelodeon rejected it.
If there are an infinite amount of alternate universes, then there must be an alternate universe in which somebody figured out how to destroy all other alternate universes and already did so. And, there must be another guy from another universe who stopped him.
Oxford University is older than the Aztec Empire.
If you had windshield wipers on your glasses you would think you’re the coolest person ever, but everyone else would think you look like an idiot. #neveragain
Biggest film of 1992: Aladdin (Action/Adventure) earned ~ $217,000,000
While prostitution is legal in Queensland Australia, advertising said services by skywriting is not.
TV Quotes… “I’m Rick James, bitch!” (Dave Chappelle as Rick James) on Chappelle’s Show.
Anakin did bring balance to the force. First, there were hundreds of Jedi and a couple of Sith. Afterward, there were a couple of Jedi and a couple of Sith.
“Hasta la vista, baby.” – The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991
“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”
How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems. But it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.
Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.
Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”
One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
Did you hear the one about the crustacean accused of promoting his own shellfish interests?
You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’
What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.
Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though.
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.” Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
What is the sound of no-hands texting?
Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
Money talks. But all mine ever says is goodbye.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
Did you hear the one about the kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.
It’s never a good idea to keep both feet firmly on the ground. You’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Did you hear the one about the nurse who was chewed out by the doctor because she was absent without gauze?
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississ-ippi.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but checks when you say the paint is wet?
Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now they’re hoping for triplets so they can have a whole set.
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
Some men say they don’t wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. Well, that’s the point, isn’t it?
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being Frank.
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the world revolves around him.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
Did you hear the one about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name.
I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.
What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?
“I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.”
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting beggir and beggir, but then it hit me.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”
I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.
What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.
Did you hear the one about veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear.
A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now.
I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.
“Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I don’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
A TV can insult your intelligence. But nothing rubs it in like a computer. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember… The fire department usually uses water.
“My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn’t concentrate.”
What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything goes wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
I don’t have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.
Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.
I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned while crossing a river? It was three feet deep on average.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.
Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’
Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
Interviewer to job applicant: “Can you come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of the house?”
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.
What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.
The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’
Did you hear the one about the cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’
Scientists have recently discovered a food that greatly reduces sex drive. It’s called wedding cake.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Of course I wouldn’t say anything about her unless I could say something good. And, oh boy, is this good…
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
“When I lose the TV controller, it’s always hidden in some remote destination.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.
When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.
If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.
What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.
Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.
She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but it’s also terrible.
Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.
A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two-thirds couldn’t answer with all the local anesthetic in their mouths.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.
How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work, and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
When Santa leaves his workshop at the North Pole on Christmas Eve, what direction does he travel?
South. If you’re on the North Pole the only direction you can go is south.
What do you call a scary-looking reindeer?
A cari-boo.
What do fish sing during the holidays?
Christmas corals.
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s Decembrrrrr.
Out of all my fellow reindeer, you could say I’m the fastest of them all. Who am I?
Dasher.
What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Ornamints.
What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll!
What does one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?
Santa walking backward!
If otters keep their money in riverbanks, where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?
He keeps his money in a snowbank!
What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball.
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose!
Why don’t you ever see Santa in the hospital?
Because he has private elf care!
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!
What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
“Aren’t you tired of just hanging around?”
What does the snowman get when he itches his dandruff?
Snowflakes.
Why are Blitzen, Rudolf, and Prancer always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
No L.
Where would you find chili beans?
At the North Pole.
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap!
You buy me to eat but never eat me– not even on Christmas. What am I?
Cutlery.
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Their days are numbered!
What do you call a snowman party?
A Snowball.
How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?
Santa claws!
Why do Santa’s reindeer always fly over the mountain?
They can’t fly under it.
What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down the hill.
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!
What do you call Santa when he stops moving?
Santa Pause.
What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?
Elfis.
What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross-mouse cards!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.
Oh good, an email from every single store or website I’ve ever bought something from.
I come with many colors, so beautiful and bright, I turn so many houses into a beautiful sight. What am I?
Christmas lights.
What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she sees clouds?
Looks like rain, dear
What do you call a poor Santa?
Saint Nickel-less
On St. Patrick’s Day, I like to make believe I’m Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I’m good.
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What’s red and white, red and white, red and white?
Santa rolling off your roof.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crummy.
How do you scare a snowman?
You get a hairdryer!
Why don’t crabs celebrate by giving gifts at Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.
Why was the Gingerbread Man robbed?
Because of his dough.
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.
What do gingerbread men use when they break their legs?
Candy canes.
I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened had you not changed your ways!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.
Why do basketball players love gingerbread cookies?
Because they can dunk them!
I have this weird talent where I can identify what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle!
What game do reindeer play at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
Why were the reindeer still in the barn when they were supposed to be with Santa?
They were stalling.
Why did Michael’s grades drop after the holidays?
Because everything was marked down!
What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments.
What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
Santa Klutz!
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsil-itis!
Who leads Santa’s sleigh underwater?
Ru-Dolphin!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!
What does the gingerbread man put on his bed?
Cookie sheets!
Who won the race between Rudolph and Prancer?
Rudolph won by a nose!
How does a sheep say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
How do you get into Donner’s house?
You ring the “deer”bell.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus, you start getting clothes for Christmas!
What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y!”
What kind of insect hates Christmas?
A humbug.
What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?
He got 12 months.
What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells.
What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
What does an elf study in school?
The elf-abet.
Who lives at the North Pole, makes toys, and rides around in a pumpkin?
Cinder-“elf”-a.
What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story?
The Finch Who Stole Christmas.
What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jolly.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa like to ride?
A Holly Davidson!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
How do sheep wish each other happy holidays?
Merry Christmas to ewe.
What do you call Santa Claus with unfolded clothes?
Kris Wrinkle.
What do you get when Santa becomes a detective?
Santa CLUES!
What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Why did the elves ask the turkey to join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Not saying I live in a rough area, but I just bought an advent calendar, and half the windows are boarded up!
What is an elf’s favorite sport?
North-pole vaulting.
How does a snowman lose weight?
He waits for the weather to get warmer!
What do you get when you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle smells.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So I bought her nothing.
What does Mrs. Claus say to Santa when there are clouds in the sky?
It looks like rain, deer.
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
They always drop their needles.
Knock. Knock. Who’s there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.
What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing?
Santa’s shadow!
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
What does a grumpy sheep say when his friends told him Merry Christmas?
Baaaa humbug!
What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
St. O’Claus!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chris.
Chris who?
Christmas is here!
Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calen-deer.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dexter.
Dexter, who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly.
What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school?
Present.
Why wouldn’t the Christmas tree stand up?
It had no legs.
I can’t get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut open gifts until Christmas Day.
How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate?
He uses Comet.
Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in history.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soot’s him.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima dreaming of a white Christmas.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What does Jack Frost like best about school?
Snow and tell.
What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
“It’s Christmas, Eve!”
Santa was having problems with his legs and could not walk so he went to the hospital to ask the doctor if he could recommend something for him.
What did the doctor give to Santa to help him to walk?
A candy cane.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Novelty songs are different from most popular songs in that they usually have an invisible expiration date like 1999 or Pac-Man Fever with the exception of Christmas Songs and to a lesser extent, Halloween Songs. Pac-Man Fever really mattered in the early 1980s, but it has long since lost its purpose. Sometimes you can’t tell the difference between a novelty song and an odd pop song written on purpose. Songs like 1999 by Prince, Angie Baby by Helen Reddy, 1985 by Bowling For Soup and Who Let The Dogs Out by the Baha Men come to mind.
Songs like Lindbergh (The Eagle of the U.S.A.) and Lucky Lindy (both 1927) celebrated Charles Lindbergh’s historic non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean. Even Lorne Green (TV’s Bonanza’s Ben Cartwright) tried to financially horn in on the Beatles’ coming, with his tribute to Ringo, in 1964. Of course, not all novelty tunes were about the world around them. Some were very experimental. Richard “Dickie” Goodman took short riffs (now called ‘samples’) from then-current pop songs to answer by his intrepid, fast-talking reporter/announcer. His Mr. Jaws was a hit in 1975 and The Flying Saucer soared in 1956. Some novelty tunes are new interpretations of the classics, like Richard Cheese’s Baby Got Back, and Jessica’s Simpson’s remake of These Boots Are Made For Walking.
Youtube videos changed the game, and the most successful are targeted towards a younger audience.
Top Novelty Songs Given To Us By Youtube
1. Baby Shark – Pinkfong
2. Crazy Frog – Axel F
3. Gummy Bear
4. Gangnam Style – Psy
5. The Duck Song – Song by Bryant Oden and video by Forrest Whaley
6. It’s Raining Tacos – Parry Gripp
7. Hamster Dance – Hampton the Hamster
8. The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?) – Ylvis
9. Everything is Awesome – Tegan and Sara
10. Chocolate Rain
2000s Comedy & Novelty Songs
1. White and Nerdy – Weird Al Yankovic
2. She-Bang – William Hung
3. The Hardest Part of Breaking Up (Is Getting Back Your Stuff) – 2ge+her
4. Aaron’s Party – Aaron Carter
5. Because I Got High – Afroman
6. Tribute – Tenacious D
7. My Humps – Black-Eyed Peas
8. Chicken Noodle Soup – Young B and Webstar
9. Baby Got Back – Richard Cheese
10. Osama – Yo’ Mama – Ray Stevens
90s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
1. Amish Paradise – Weird Al Yankovic
2. The Humpty Dance – Digital Underground
3. The Thanksgiving Song – Adam Sandler
4. Smells Like Nirvana – Weird Al Yankovic
5. This Is Ponderous – 2nu
6. Deep, Deep Trouble – The Simpsons
7. Meet The Flintstones – The B.C. 52’s
8. Three Little Pigs – Green Jelly
9. Redneck Games – Jeff Foxworthy & Alan Jackson
10. Turtle Power – Partners In Kryme
80s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
Noone in the world of novelty has had the enormous success of Weird Al Yankovic. He has mocked many of the stars of the 1980s through today, including Michael Jackson, Nirvana, Eminem, Limp Biskit, Chamillionaire and others. His first breakout near-hit was Another One Rides the Bus, recorded in a bathroom for “just the right echo effect”.
1. Fat – Weird Al Yankovic
2. Curly Shuffle – The Jump In The Saddle Band
3. Shaddap You Face – Joe Dolce
4. Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life – Monty Python (Eric Idol)* * From 1979’s Life of Brian
5. Because I’m a Blonde – Julie Brown
6. Take Off – Bob & Doug McKenzie with Eddie Lee
7. Eat It – Weird Al Yankovic
8. You Look Marvelous – Billy Crystal
9.Meet The Flintstones – Bruce Springstone
10. Make My Day – T.G. Sheppard with Clint Eastwood
70s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
The Streak had its day in 1974, but by April of that year, the shortcomings of this fad, running naked through public events, were evident, as noted by film star David Niven. Practically everybody bought a C.B. radio when they heard Convoy in 1976. Of course, some Novelty tunes are timeless like Junk Food Junkie by Larry Groce and Take This Job and Shove It by Johnny Paycheck.
1. Disco Duck – Rick Dees
2. King Tut – Steve Martin
3. My Balogna – Weird Al Yankovic
4. Mr. Jaws – Dickie Goodman
5. Earache My Eye – Cheech and Chong
6. Shaving Cream – Benny Bell
7. The Topical Song – The Barron Knights
8. Junk Food Junkie – Larry Groce
9. Do You Think I’m Disco – Steve Dahl
10. Dead Skink – Loudon Wainwright III
60s Weirdest/ un-P.C. Songs
1. Maxwell’s Silver Hammer – The Beatles
2. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida – Iron Butterfly
3. A Boy Named Sue – Johnny Cash
4. Star-Spangled Banner – Jimi Hendrix
5. If You Wanna Be Happy – Jimmy Soul
6. Surfin’ Bird – The Trashmen
7. Fire – The Crazy World of Arthur Brown
8. Tip-Toe Through the Tulips With Me – Tiny Tim
9. I Want My Baby Back – Jimmy Cross
10. My Pal Foot Foot – The Shaggs
60s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
1. They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa! – Napoleon XIV
7. Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor – Lonnie Donegan
8. Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah – Allen Sherman
9. Leader Of The Laundromat – the Detergents
10. Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport – Rolf Harris
50s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
Ross Bagdasarian, better known as David Seville, used the process of speeding up his voice to create the Halloween hit, Witch Doctor. He further refined the technique to create Alvin, Simon and Theodore, the Chipmunks. With them, he created another holiday classic The Chipmonk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late). Mad with power, he built this one-trick novelty bit into a mini-empire with a prime-time animated TV show.
1. Purple People Eater – Sheb Wolley
2. Banana Boat (Day-O) – Stan Freberg
3. Alvin’s Harmonica – The Chipmunks
4. Stranded In The Jungle – The Cadets (or The Jayhawks)
5. The Naughty Lady Of Shady Lane – The Ames Brothers
6. The Flying Saucer – Buchanan & Goodman
7. The Thing – Phil Harris
8. What It Was, Was Football – Andy Griffith
9. Uh! Oh! – The Nutty Squirrels
10. Nuttin For Christmas – cracked the top 40 in 1955 by Art Mooney & Barry Gordon, Joe Ward, Ricky Zahnd, The Fontane Sisters and Stan Freberg in 1955.
Pre-50s Comedy/ Novelty Songs
The earliest novelty song we could find was recorded in the days before CD, Cassette Tapes, even vinyl records. The Laughing Song followed up with The Whistling Coon ware recorded by ex-slave George Washington Johnson in 1891 on a cylinder. His Laughing Song was probably the highest-selling recording of the 19th century. The first-ever actually-recorded song that we have proof of was Thomas Edison singing Mary Had A Little Lamb.
In Der Fuehrer’s Face and (There’ll Be A) Hot Time in the Town of Berlin (When the Yanks Go Marching In) meant a lot to freedom-loving American people in the 1940s.
A Chicken Ain’t Nothin But a Bird – Cab Calloway
Animal Crackers In My Soup – Shirley Temple
Bake Dat Chicken Pie – Arthur Collins and Byron Harlan
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy – Andrews Sisters
Brother, Can You Spare A Dime? – Bing Crosby
Casey At The Bat – DeWolf Hopper
Cigarettes, Whiskey and Wild Women – Red Engle
Come Take a Trip On My Air-ship – Billy Murray
Daddy Won’t Buy Me A Bow-wow – Dan Quinn
Daisy Bell (Bicycle Built for Two) – various
Dem Golden Slippers – Silas Leachman
Der Fuehrer’s Face – Spike Jones
Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish – Johnny Payne
Grandfather’s Clock – Burl Ives
I Scream You Scream We All Scream For Ice Cream – Fred Waring’s Pennsylvanians
I’ll Lend You Everything I Got, Except My Wife – Bert Williams
I’m Against It – Groucho Marx
I’m Popeye, The Sailor Man – Billy Costello
Indian Love Call – Slim Whitman
Inka Dinka Doo – Jimmy Durante
Courtroom Catastrophe – Amos and Andy
Istanbul (Not Constantinople) – The Four Lads
K-K-K-Katy (The Stammering Song) – Billy Murray
Last Shot Got Him (Great Bloo-is Song) – Eddie Morton
Let’s Misbehave – Ben Bernie
Mairzy Doates – Merry Macs
Makin’ Whoopee – Eddie Cantor
Minnie The Moocher – Cab Calloway
My Own Grandpa – Lonzo and Oscar
Oh Death, Where Is Thy Sing? – Bert Williams
Shaving Cream – Benny Bell
Shoo-Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowty – Dinah Shore
Shortnin’ Bread – The Andrews Sisters
Take Me Out To The Ball Game – Billy Murray and the Haydn Quartet
The Alphabet Song – The Three Stooges
The Laughing Sing – George Washington Johnson
The Naughty Lady Of Shady Lane – The Ames Brothers
Father’s Day was started in 1909 by Sonora Louise Smart Dodd from Spokane, WA to honor her dad, William Smart. Dodd’s mother died during childbirth with her sixth baby, leaving Smart, a Civil War veteran, to raise the kids himself. When Dodd was grown up she realized how much her father sacrificed for her and her siblings. June 19, 1910, marked the first Father’s Day ever, and it was observed in Spokane, WA. Across the country, other areas began to observe the holiday as well. President Lyndon B. Johnson officially declared the third Sunday in June Father’s Day. – holidays.net Father’s Day is the fifth most popular card-sending holiday, with an estimated $100 million in card sales. Husbands, grandfathers, uncles, sons, and sons-in-law are honored as well as fathers.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
200 Dad Jokes
I love telling dad jokes… sometimes he laughs
Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.
Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.
Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye.
Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
Why are piggy banks so wise? They’re filled with common cents.
Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
What kind of bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh
What does a writer have in common with a football player? Anxiety over a rough draft.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.
The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.
My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.
In Texas it’s illegal to serve pie without ice cream. It is a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I want to make a brief joke, but it’s a little cheesy.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids. I’m a faux pa.
I made a belt out of the old watches I found in my attic… it was a waist of time.
I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the s.
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A cheeseburger walks into a bar… The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts.
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.
How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl.
What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.
What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle.
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? “Let’s try a different angle.”
I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.
Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.
What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity? “I’m a big fan.”
What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My son asked me to put his shoes on, but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
I made a pencil with two erasers… it was pointless.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK! Rowling.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day? He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge? The leeks.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
What’s the only day that doesn’t end in ‘y’? Tomorrow.
What makes a basketball court trendy and accessorized? The hoops.
How was the handsome runner described? “Dashing.”
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
What does Rockin’ Robin do when she’s bored? Tweet.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.
What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?
I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently, I couldn’t concentrate.
If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there are pancakes.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
Why don’t phones ever go hungry? They have plenty of apps to choose from.
What did the baker say when she won an award? “It was a piece of cake.”
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup.
What country’s capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
A duck walks into a bar…. The barman goes, “Waddle it be?”
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?
Someone told me that I should write a book. I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why did the cashier rip money in half? They were asked to break a bill.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.
What does a bee use to brush its hair? A honeycomb!
I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro… It’s a total rip-off.
My wife asked me to stop singing”Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe…
What kind of car does an egg drive? A yolkswagen.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop? She always spilled the tea.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze? The sta-tues.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
What’s a crafty dancer’s favorite hobby? Cutting a rug.
What do frogs use to track their exercise? Fit (rib)bits.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck.
I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.
A guy tried to sell me a coffin today… I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink.
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.
What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it’s never called hot.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? Where’s Pop Corn?
What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? “Cool Ranch!”
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I could tell a joke about pizza… but it’s a little cheesy.
I used to be a personal trainer… then I gave my too weak notice.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
I just spent $300 on a limo but it didn’t come with a driver. I’ve spent all my money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up.
What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog? “It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there.”
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What does a house wear? Address.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you? An iWitness.
Two limbo players walk into a bar… they lost5
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can’t wait to squeeze you
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
Why was the hockey player gifted a new cap? He was known for his hat tricks.
What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life? All-purpose.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for fruit punch… The bartender says, “pal, if you want punch, you’ll need to get in line.” The guy looks around and there is no punch line.
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed.
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.
What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars.
The doctor said the X-ray was negative. I was like, “aren’t they all?”
Shouldn’t the”roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree? By its bark.
If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
I spilled the litter box when I was cleaning it… it was quite the cat ass trophy.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Why couldn’t the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.
Father’s Day Quotes
“That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.” -J. August Strindberg
“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” -William Shakespeare
“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” -Anne Sexton
“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.” English Proverb
“My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”” -Harmon Killebrew
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” -Mark Twain , “Old Times on the Mississippi” Atlantic Monthly, 1874
“There’s something like a line of gold thread running through a man’s words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.” -John Gregory Brown , Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994
“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.” -Phyllis Diller
“The greatest gift I ever had came from God; I call him Dad!” -Author Unknown
“To her the name of father was another name for love.” -Fanny Fern
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” -Jim Valvano
“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” -Anonymous
“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.” -Ruth E. Renkel
“It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” – Anne Sexton
“Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!” -Lydia M. Child
“I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” -Mario Cuomo
“One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.” -Anonymous
“By profession, I am a soldier and take pride in that fact. But I am prouder – infinitely prouder – to be a father. A soldier destroys in order to build; the father only builds, never destroys. The one has the potentiality of death; the other embodies creation and life. And while the hordes of death are mighty, the battalions of life are mightier still. It is my hope that my son, when I am gone, will remember me not from the battlefield but in the home repeating with him our simple daily prayer, ‘Our Father who art in Heaven” -Douglas Macarthur
“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” -Sigmund Freud
“Father! – to God Himself we cannot give a holier name.” -William Wordsworth
“Henry James once defined life as that predicament which precedes death, and certainly nobody owes you a debt of honor or gratitude for getting him into that predicament. But a child does owe his father a debt, if Dad, having gotten him into this peck of trouble, takes off his coat and buckles down to the job of showing his son how best to crash through it.” – Clarence Budington Kelland “
The thing to remember about fathers is… they’re men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon-seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat, like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle… – Phyllis McGinley
“If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons. – James Baldwin
“My father hated the radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too. – Peter De Vries “Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. – Robert Orben
Conan O’Brien’s press release regarding the Changes in The Tonight Show January 12, 2010
People of Earth:
In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.
Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.
But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.
Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move The Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate The Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years The Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying The Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t The Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.
So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show . But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with The Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.
There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.
Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.
World Changing Event: Operation Desert Storm: A United Nations Coalition Force led by the United States and many Arab and European countries took on Iraqi forces who had invaded Kuwait, and after one month of bombing, Iraq was forced out of Kuwait.
The Top Song was (Everything I Do) I Do It For You – Bryan Adams
Influential Songs include Summertime by DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince, Try A Little Tenderness by The Commitments, Black Or White by Michael Jackson, and Deeper Shade of Soul by Urban Dance Squad
The Movies to Watch include Beauty and the Beast, Boyz in the Hood, The Prince of Tides, City Slickers, Fried Green Tomatoes, Cape Fear and Father of the Bride
The Most Famous Person in America was probably Michael Jordon
People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive: Patrick Swayze
Notable books include I Spy: A Book of Picture Riddles by Jean Marzollo, photos by Walter Wick, and The Infinity Gauntlet by Jim Starlin, George Perez, and Ron Lim.
On April 1, the US minimum wage went from $3.80 to $4.25 per hour
Price of a postage stamp in 1991: 29 cents Super Nintendo: $199.98
The Funny Guy was Andrew “Dice” Clay
The Conversation: Baseball officially banned Pete Rose from being elected to the Hall of Fame. Was it fair?
“Hello Clarice” “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.” – Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs
“I crap bigger than you.” – Jack Palance in City Slickers
“The few, the proud, the Marines.” – United States Marines ad
“The quicker picker-upper” -Bounty paper towels
“Hasta La Vista Baby” – Arnold Schwarzenegger, in The Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Time Magazine’s Man of the Year:
Ted Turner
Miss America:
Marjorie Vincent (Oak Park, IL)
Miss USA:
Kelli McCarty (Kansas)
The Scandals:
Kentucky Fried Chicken officially changed its name to KFC. Conspiracists claimed that it was because they weren’t selling actual chickens but some cloned, headless chicken bodies. So, the original name was supposedly shortened so it would no longer be “false advertising.”
Paul ‘Pee-Wee’ Herman Reubens was caught in adult theater doing an inappropriate public act.
Cannibal serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was captured. He had killed and sometimes eaten 17 people.
Tailhook Scandal: Marines getting rowdy and inappropriate with the female marines in Las Vegas.
RIP:
Senator John Heinz in an airplane/helicopter crash over Lower Merion Township, PA.
Eddie Vedder wrote the song, Jeremy, because he thought it was important to give meaning to the actions of Jeremy Wade Delle, a high school student who shot himself in front of his English class in 1991.
Redd Foxx died of an actual heart attack onset of The Royal Family in 1991; everyone thought it was all part of the fake heart attack act he was known for on Sanford & Son.
The Friendship Paradox:
A phenomenon that was first observed in 1991. On average, most people have fewer friends than their friends have. At the same time, they believe they have more friends than their friends have.
World News:
Soviet cosmonaut Sergei Krikalev was in space when the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991. Unable to return, he stayed in space for 10 months. He was supposed to do military service during that time, and there are reports that the army almost issued a desertion warrant until they realized he wasn’t on the planet.
Women in Switzerland didn’t gain the right to vote in federal elections until 1971. They also couldn’t vote locally in the canton of Appenzell until 1991.
The record for most passengers ever carried by a commercial airliner is 1,088, by an El Al Boeing 747 during Operation Solomon, which involved the evacuation of Ethiopian Jews from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and started on May 24, 1991. This figure includes two babies born on the flight.
During the Soviet coup attempt of 1991, the Relcom network was used to spread the news about the event worldwide while the coup perpetrators were trying to suppress mass media activity through the KGB. Boris Yeltsin has credited them for defeating the Communists.
Pop Culture Facts & History:
The term “Carjacking” was coined by a Detroit crime reporter who wanted an easier way to report RAUDAA, which stood for Robbery, Armed, Unauthorized Driving Away of an Automobile.
In 1991, America’s best-selling “car” was the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe, selling about 500,000 vehicles.
A man found a first printing of the Declaration of Independence, inside the frame of a $4 painting he’d bought at a flea market. It was later sold at auction for $2.4 million.
In a 1991 New York Supreme Court case. In Stambovsky v. Ackley (aka The Ghostbusters Ruling), the court ruled that a seller must disclose or inform the purchaser of a haunting of a property.
The For Dummies book series started with DOS for Dummies in 1991. The creator overheard someone in a bookshop ask if “a book about DOS for dummies like me” existed. Since then, the series has grown to over 6,000 titles.
In 1991, the first major online services provider, CompuServe, charged $5.00 an hour.
SanDisk produced the first flash-based SSD in a 2.5-inch hard disk drive form factor for IBM with a 20 MB capacity priced at about $1000.
The little plastic ball in cans of Guinness Beer won the Queen’s Award for Technological Advancement, beating the Internet and Email.
17473 Freddiemercury is an asteroid discovered in 1991, named in memory of Freddie Mercury.
The Sims’ game designer, Will Wright, was inspired to create a “virtual dollhouse” after losing his home during the Oakland firestorm of 1991 and rebuilding his life.
The Lenin Was a Mushroom Hoax: a spoof interview on Soviet TV that purported that Vladimir Lenin ate so many magic mushrooms that he became one himself. Because it was presented so thoughtfully, many thousands of Soviet people believed the interview was genuine.
The character of Wilson in Home Improvement was based on Time Allen’s childhood memories of being too short to look over his fence to see his neighbors.
PBS produced the kid’s game show Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? in 1991 after a National Geographic survey showed 1/4 of Americans couldn’t find the USSR or the Pacific Ocean on a world map
Silence Of The Lambs won the big five Oscars – Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Writing.
Charlie Sheen got so convinced of a death scene in the second film of The Flower of Flesh and Blood series that he contacted the FBI, suggesting that it was a snuff film. It wasn’t.
Angela Lansbury (Mrs. Potts) from Beauty and the Beast sang Tale as Old as Time in a single take after being initially against it because she thought her “aging singing voice” wasn’t suited for the song.
At Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch, Liz Taylor married hubby # 7, Larry Fortensky. They met in a rehab center.
In 1990, the high school dropout rate in Sevierville, Dolly Parton’s hometown, was over 30%. In 1991, she launched The Buddy Program, offering 7th and 8th graders $500 if they graduated. The dropout rate for those classes dropped to 6% and has generally retained that average.
The Beastie Boys have sold 20 million records in the United States, making them the biggest-selling rap group since Billboard began recording sales in 1991.
Rolling Stone Magazine originally gave Nirvana’s Nevermind album a 3-star rating in 1991. They now give it five stars and rank it as the 17th greatest album of all time.
“Teen Spirit” was a real deodorant – one of Kurt Cobain’s friends spray-painted “Kurt Smells Like Teen Spirit” on his wall because Kurt’s then-girlfriend wore Teen Spirit, which led to the title of the 1991 Nirvana hit song.
The FDA approved Nicoderm CQ’s nicotine patch.
The Calloway Golf Company’s ‘Big Bertha’ club was introduced. The club revolutionized how the game of golf would be played.
Cost of a Super Bowl ad in 1991: $800,000
Doomsday Clock:
17 minutes to midnight, according to the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. 1991: “With the Cold War officially over, the United States and Russia begin making deep cuts to their nuclear arsenals. The Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty greatly reduces the number of strategic nuclear weapons deployed by the two former adversaries. Better still, a series of unilateral initiatives remove most of the intercontinental ballistic missiles and bombers in both countries from hair-trigger alert. “The illusion that tens of thousands of nuclear weapons are a guarantor of national security has been stripped away.”
Unsung Hero of 1991:
Tim Berners-Lee came up with the idea of making ‘links’ on his computer, then others, creating “The Information Mine” (TIM) later renamed the “World Wide Web”. He renounced patent rights because it “would have scuppered the whole thing. It never would have taken off.”
The Habit:
The cool kids were listening to Nirvana’s Nevermind album.
1st Appearances & 1991’s Most Popular Christmas Gifts, Toys and Presents:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys and action figures, Rollerblade Barbie, Super Soaker water gun, K’Nex, Myst
Popular and Best-selling Books From 1991:
A Thousand Acres by Jane Smiley America Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands by Stephen King The Doomsday Conspiracy by Sidney Sheldon The Firm by John Grisham Goodnight Moon (originally a 1942 board book) by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd Heartbeat by Danielle Steel Heir to the Empire by Timothy Zahn I Spy: A Book of Picture Riddles by Jean Marzollo, photos by Walter Wick The Infinity Gauntlet by Jim Starlin, George Perez, and Ron Lim The Kitchen God’s Wife by Amy Tan Loves Music, Loves to Dance by Mary Higgins Clark Mao II by Don DeLillo Mating by Norman Rush Needful Things by Stephen King Night Over Water by Ken Follett No Greater Love by Danielle Steel Oh, the Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss The Plains of Passage by Jean M. Auel Possession by A.S. Byatt Remember by Barbara Taylor Bradford Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley The Secret Pilgrim by John le Carre The Seeress of Kell by David Eddings The Sum of All Fears by Tom Clancy
Broadway Show:
Miss Saigon (Musical) Opened on April 11, 1991, and closed on January 28, 2001
Best Film Oscar Winner:
Dances with Wolves (presented in 1991)
1991 Entries to The National Film Registry:
2001: A Space Odyssey (released in 1968) The Battle of San Pietro (released in 1945) The Blood of Jesus (released in 1941) Chinatown (released in 1974) City Lights (released in 1931) David Holzman’s Diary (released in 1968) Frankenstein (released in 1931) Gertie The Dinosaur (released in 1914) Gigi (released in 1958) Greed (released in 1924) High School (released in 1969) I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang (released in 1932) The Italian (released in 1915) King Kong (released in 1933) Lawrence of Arabia (released in 1962) The Magnificent Ambersons (released in 1942) My Darling Clementine (released in 1946) Out of the Past (released in 1947) A Place in the Sun (released in 1951) The Poor Little Rich Girl (released in 1917) The Prisoner of Zenda (released in 1937) Shadow of a Doubt (released in 1943) Sherlock, Jr. (released in 1924) Tevye (released in 1939) Trouble in Paradise (released in 1932)
1. Terminator 2: Judgement Day 2. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves 3. Beauty and the Beast 4. The Silence of the Lambs 5. City Slickers 6. Hook 7. The Addams Family 8. Sleeping With The Enemy 9. Father of the Bride 10. The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear
1991 Most Popular TV Shows:
1. 60 Minutes (CBS) 2. Roseanne (ABC) 3. Murphy Brown (CBS) 4. Cheers (NBC) 5. Home Improvement (ABC) 6. Designing Women (CBS) 7. Full House (ABC) 8. Murder, She Wrote (CBS) 9. Major Dad (CBS) 10. Coach (ABC)
1991 Billboard Number One Songs:
December 8, 1990 – January 4, 1991: Because I Love You (The Postman Song) – Stevie B
November 9 – November 22: Cream – Prince & the New Power Generation
November 23 – November 29: When a Man Loves a Woman – Michael Bolton
November 30 – December 6: Set Adrift on Memory Bliss – PM Dawn
December 7, 1991- January 24, 1992: Black Or White – Michael Jackson
Sports:
World Series Champions: Minnesota Twins Super Bowl XXV Champions: New York Giants NBA Champions: Chicago Bulls Stanley Cup Champs: Pittsburgh Penguins U.S. Open Golf Payne Stewart U.S. Tennis: (Men/Ladies) Stefan Edberg/Monica Seles Wimbledon (Men/Women): Michael Stitch/Steffi Graf NCAA Football Champions: Miami & Washington NCAA Basketball Champions: Duke Kentucky Derby: Strike The Gold
World Changing Event: The Commodore 64 became the first popular ‘home use’ computer in many homes.
The Top Song was I Love Rock and Roll by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
The Movies to Watch include E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, Rocky III, The Toy, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Creepshow and Sophie’s Choice
The Most Famous Person in America was probably Diana, Princess of Wales
Notable books include The Death of Captain Marvel by Jim Starlin and Space by James A. Michener and The Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
Price of a Schwinn bicycle in 1982: $202.00 Sony Walkman: $129.00
The Comeback Funny Guys were Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby The Funny Late Night Host: Johnny Carson The Funny Later Night Host: David Letterman
Heard it Before? Michael Jackson took the line “Mama Say Mama Sa Mama Coosa” from Cameroonian musician Manu Dibango’s 1972 afro-funk classic Soul Makossa and used for his song Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’. Rihanna also used it with Don’t Stop The Music in 2007.
Loni Anderson, Carol Alt, Barbara Bach, Catherine Bach, Kim Basinger, Phoebe Cates, Joan Collins, Lydia Cornell, Sybil Danning, Linda Evans, Morgan Fairchild, Farrah Fawcett, Jane Fonda, Daryl Hannah, Debbie Harry, Marilu Henner, Goldie Hawn, Lauren Hutton, Grace Jones, Nastassja Kinski, Jessica Lange, Heather Locklear, Olivia Newton-John, Stevie Nicks, Dolly Parton, Victoria Principal, Tanya Roberts, Betsy Russell, Brooke Shields, Suzanne Somers, Heather Thomas, Mary Woronov, Sean Young
Sex Symbols, Hollywood Hunks, and Leading Men:
Michael Jackson, Richard Gere, Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Christopher Reeve, Burt Reynolds
“The Quotes”
“E.T. phone home” – E.T. in E.T. The Extra-terrestrial
“They’re Here” – Heather O’Rourke in Poltergeist
“RAID kills bugs dead” – RAID
“When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.” – FedEx
Time Magazine’s Machine of the Year:
The Computer
Miss America:
Elizabeth Ward (Russellville, AR)
Miss USA:
Terri Utley (Arkansas)
The Scandals and Tragedies:
Seven people died from swallowing poisoned Tylenol. This event is why food packages are now so securely wrapped.
Airplane Celebrity Death:
Randy Rhodes
Movie Star Death:
John Belushi (heroin & cocaine overdose)
The Place To Be:
The San Fernando Valley, Home of the Valley Girls – from the neighborhoods of San Fernando Valley- they made valspeak the colloquial language of the day – Films like Valley Girl, and Frank (and Moon Unit) Zappa’s hit Valley Girl.
Valley Girl Terminology:
Like – Used as an interjection: “That was, like, the worst thing ever!” or to indicate speech: “And she was like ‘Get out of my way!’”
As if – lit. “yeah, right” or “as if” except it does not use a subject; expresses disbelief.
Bitchin’ – slang for excellent; first-rate. Though a derivative of “bitch”, bitchin’ is sometimes not considered profane.
Grody – Gross
Whatever! – short for “whatever you say”; sarcastic interjection often emphasizing the final syllable.
Fer shur – “For sure”, often used in agreement.
Totally -“I agree” or “completely.”
Oh my God (later OMG!) – can be used in many ways; it expresses shock.
Tre – A synonym for “very” (derived from French “très”)
So… – Very; used frequently and said with strong emphasis.
Seriously – Frequent interjection of approval.
Gnarly – an expression of seriousness. It can be a word for very intense or very pleasing
Are you serious? – an expression of surprise.
Anyways… – Substitute for the grammatically correct “Anyway…”
Pop Culture Facts & History:
Surround Sound was introduced for home use by Dolby.
1982 – Electronic Arts (EA) was founded.
(Paul) Newman’s Own opened for business, profiting from year one and donating all profits to charity.
The lowest PGA score of 63 was played by Ray Floyd.
GM introduced the General Motors’ Saturn car company.
1982 was the year Kenneth Cole launched his shoe company.
Michael Jackson’s Thriller album was released on November 30th. Depending on who you talk to, up to 110,000,000 copies were sold. Two of them were mine.
Adobe was founded in California by Chuck Geschke and John Warnock in 1982.
Cost of a Super Bowl ad in 1982: $324,000
1982 Nobel Prize Winners:
Physics – Kenneth G. Wilson Chemistry – Aaron Klug Medicine – Sune K. Bergström, Bengt I. Samuelsson, John R. Vane Literature – Gabriel García Márquez Peace – Alva Myrdal, Alfonso García Robles Economics – George Stigler
The Habits:
Listening to Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, playing video games Ms. Pacman and Q*bert, Break dancing, Moon Walking, watching the film E.T., watching, and sometimes exercising with Jane Fonda’ Workout videotape, wearing Deely Bobbers, playing with Strawberry Shortcake dolls.
1st Appearances & 1982’s Most Popular Christmas Gifts, Toys and Presents:
Strawberry Shortcake, Smurfs, My Little Pony, BMX Bikes, Trivial Pursuit, Sequence
Popular and Best-selling Books From 1982:
2010: Odyssey Two by Arthur C. Clarke An Indecent Obsession by Colleen McCullough The BFD by Roald Dahl The Color Purple by Alice Walker The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger by Stephen King The Death of Captain Marvel by Jim Starlin Different Seasons by Stephen King E.T., The Extraterrestrial by William Kotzwinkle The Hotel New Hampshire by John Irving The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende The Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks The Man from St. Petersburg by Ken Follett Master of the Game by Sidney Sheldon Mistral’s Daughter by Judith Krantz Moo Baa La La La (board book) by Sandra Boynton North and South by John Jakes The One Minute Manager by Ken Blanchard and Spencer Johnson. The Parsifal Mosaic by Robert Ludlum The Prodigal Daughter by Jeffrey Archer Soft as a Kitten by Auden Johnson Space by James A. Michener Waiting for the Barbarians by J.M. Coetzee The Valley of Horses by Jean M. Auel
Broadway Show:
Torch Song Trilogy (Play) Opened on June 10, 1982, and closed on May 19, 1985 Cats (Musical) Opened on October 7, 1982, and closed on September 10, 2000
1. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial 2. Tootsie 3. An Officer And A Gentleman 4. Rocky III 5. Porky’s 6. Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Kahn 7. 48 HRS 8. Poltergeist 9. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas 10. Annie
1982 Most Popular TV Shows:
1. 60 Minutes (CBS) 2. Dallas (CBS) 3. M*A*S*H (CBS) 4. Magnum, P.I. (CBS) 5. Dynasty (ABC) 6. Three’s Company (ABC) 7. Simon & Simon (CBS) 8. Falcon Crest (CBS) 9. The Love Boat (ABC) 10. The A-Team ( NBC)
1982 Billboard Number One Songs:
November 21, 1981 – January 29, 1982: Physical – Olivia Newton-John
January 30 – February 5: I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do) – Daryl Hall & John Oates
February 6 – March 19: Centerfold – J. Geils Band
March 20 – May 7: I Love Rock n’ Roll – Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
May 15 – July 2: Ebony and Ivory – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
July 3 – July 23: Don’t You Want Me – The Human League
July 24 – September 3: Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
September 4 – September 17: Abracadabra – The Steve Miller Band
September 18 – October 1: Hard to Say I’m Sorry – Chicago
October 2 – October 29: Jack & Diane – John Mellencamp
October 30 – November 5: Who Can It Be Now? – Men at Work
November 6 – November 26: Up Where We Belong – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
November 27 – December 10: Truly – Lionel Richie
December 11- December 17: Mickey – Toni Basil
December 18, 1982 – January 14, 1983: Maneater – Hall & Oates
Sports:
World Series Champions: St. Louis Cardinals Super Bowl XVI Champions: San Fransisco 49ers NBA Champions: Los Angeles Lakers Stanley Cup Champs: New York Islanders U.S. Open Golf Tom Watson U.S. Tennis: (Men/Ladies) Jimmy Connors/Chris Evert Lloyd Wimbledon (Men/Women): Jimmy Connors/Martina Navratilova NCAA Football Champions: Penn State NCAA Basketball Champions: North Carolina Kentucky Derby: Gato Del Sol World Cup (Soccer): Italy
David Niven was Interrupted by Streaker at the 1974 Oscars
Robert Opel dashed naked from across from backstage during the 46th Academy Awards ceremony and flashed a peace sign with his fingers as he jogged offstage. David Niven was in the middle of an introduction for Elizabeth Taylor as this, the first televised streak occurred, on April 2, 1974, at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, Los Angeles.
Streaking was an epidemic in 1973/1974. However, there had been multiple situations where ‘non-crazy’ people ran off into the public without clothes, usually to make a point or win a bet. Often, drinking was involved.
Robert, a part-time photographer for The Advocate, an LGBT publication, became a minor celebrity after the incident. Rumors persist that the event was planned, with Oscar producer Jack Haley, Jr. in on the plot.
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was almost bound to happen… But isn’t it fascinating to think that the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?”
The Sting, starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford, was the other big winner that night, earning seven Oscars, including best picture.
Samuel L. Clemen’s notice for his next burglar September 9, 1908
NOTICE.
To the next Burglar.
There is nothing but plated ware in this house, now and henceforth. You will find it in that brass thing in the dining-room over in the corner by the basket of kittens. If you want the basket, put the kittens in the brass thing. Do not make a noise- it disturbs the family. You will find rubbers in the front hall, by that thing which has the umbrellas in it, chiffonier, I think they call it, or pergola, or something like that.
Asa Don Dickinson’s Letter to Mark Twain regarding taking the Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn books out of a children’s library November 19, 1905
DEAR SIR:
I happened to be present the other day at a meeting of the children’s librarians of the Brooklyn Public Library. In the course of the meeting it was stated that copies of “Tom Sawyer” and “Huckleberry Finn” were to be found in some of the children’s rooms of the system. The Sup’t of the Children’s Dep’t- a conscientious and enthusiastic young woman- was greatly shocked to hear this, and at once ordered that they be transferred to the adults’ department. Upon this I shamefacedly confessed to having read “Huckleberry Finn” aloud to my defenseless blind people, without regard to their age, color, or previous condition of servitude. I also reminded them of Brander Matthews’s opinion of the book, and stated the fact that I knew it almost at heart, having got more pleasure from it than from any book I have ever read, and reading is the greatest pleasure I have in life. My warm defense elicited some further discussion and criticism, from which I gathered that the prevailing opinion of Huck was that he was a deceitful boy who said “sweat” when he should have said “perspiration.” The upshot of the matter was that there is to be further consideration of these books at a meeting early in January which I am especially invited to attend. Seeing you the other night at the performance of “Peter Pan” the thought came to me that you (who know Huck as well as I- you can’t know him better or love him more—) might be willing to give me a word or two to say in witness of his good character though he “warn’t no more quality than a mud cat.”
I would ask as a favor that you regard this communication as confidential, whether you find time to reply to it or not; for I am loath for obvious reasons to bring the institution from which I draw my salary into ridicule, contempt or reproach.
Yours very respectfully,
Asa Don Dickinson.
(In charge Department for the Blind and Sheepshead Bay Branch, Brooklyn Public Library.) _______________________
I am greatly troubled by what you say. I wrote Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn for adults exclusively, and it always distresses me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean; I know this by my own experience, and to this day I cherish an unappeasable bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again this side of the grave. Ask that young lady- she will tell you so.
Most honestly do I wish I could say a softening word or two in defence of Huck’s character, since you wish it, but really in my opinion it is no better than those of Solomon, David, Satan, and the rest of the sacred brotherhood.
If there is an unexpurgated Bible in the Children’s Department, won’t you please help that young woman remove Huck and Tom from that questionable companionship?
Sincerely yours,
Signed, S. L. Clemens
I shall not show your letter to anyone- it is safe with me.
The Opera management of Covent Garden regulates the dress of its male patrons. When is it going to do the same to the women?
On Saturday night I went to the Opera. I wore the costume imposed on me by the regulations of the house. I fully recognize the advantage of those regulations. Evening dress is cheap, simple, durable, prevents rivalry and extravagance on the part of male leaders of fashion, annihilates class distinctions and gives men who are poor and doubtful of their social position (that is, the great majority of men) a sense of security and satisfaction that no clothes of their own choosing could confer, besides saving a whole sex the trouble of considering what they should wear on state occasions. The objections to it are as dust in the balance in the eyes of the ordinary Briton. These objections are that it is colourless; that it involves a whitening process that makes the shirt troublesome, slightly uncomfortable, and seriously unclean; that it acts as a passport for undesirable persons; that it fails to guarantee sobriety, cleanliness, and order on the part of the wearer; and that it reduces to a formula a very vital human habit which should be the subject of constant experiment and active private enterprise. All such objections are thoroughly un-English. They appeal only to an eccentric few, and may be left out of account with the fantastic objections of men like Ruskin, Tennyson, Carlyle, and Morris to tall hats.
But I submit that what is sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose. Every argument that applies to the regulation of the man’s dress applies equally to the regulation of the woman’s. Now let me describe what actually happened to me at the Opera. Not only was I in evening dress by compulsion, but I voluntarily added many graces of conduct as to which the management made no stipulation whatever. I was in my seat in time for the first chord of the overture. I did not chatter during the music nor raise my voice when the Opera was too loud for normal conversation. I did not get up and go out when the statue music began. My language was fairly moderate considering the number and nature of the improvements on Mozart volunteered by Signor Caruso, and the respectful ignorance of dramatic points of the score exhibited by the conductor and stage manager- if there is such a functionary at Covent Garden. In short, my behavior was exemplary.
At 9 o’clock (the Opera began at 8) a lady came in and sat down very conspicuously in my line of sight. She remained there until the beginning of the last act. I do not complain of her coming late and going early; on the contrary, I wish she had come later and gone earlier. For this lady, who had very black hair, had stuck over her right ear the pitiable corpse of a large white bird, which looked exactly if someone had killed it by stamping on the beast, and then nailed it to the lady’s temple, which was presumably of sufficient solidity to bear the operation. I am not, I hope, a morbidly squeamish person; but the spectacle sickened me. I presume that if I had presented myself at the doors with a dead snake round my neck, a collection of black beetles pinned to my shirtfront, and a grouse in my hair, I should have been refused admission. Why, then is a woman to be allowed to commit such a public outrage? Had the lady been refused admission, as she should have been, she would have soundly rated the tradesman who imposed the disgusting headdress on her under the false pretence that ‘the best people’ wear such things, and withdrawn her custom from him; and thus the root of the evil would be struck at; for your fashionable woman generally allows herself to be dressed according to the taste of a person who she would not let sit down in her presence. I once, in Drury Lane Theatre, sat behind a matinee hat decorated with the two wings of a seagull, artificially reddened at the joints so as to produce the illusion of being freshly plucked from a live bird. But even that lady stopped short of a whole seagull. Both ladies were evidently regarded by their neighbors as ridiculous and vulgar; but that is hardly enough when the offence is one which produces a sensation of physical sickness in persons of normal human sensibility.
I suggest to the Covent Garden authorities that, if they feel bound to protect their subscribers against the dangers of my shocking them with a blue tie, they are at least equally bound to protect me against the danger of a woman shocking me with a dead bird.
Edgar Wilson ‘Bill’ Nye’s Postmaster resignation letter to US President Chester B. Arthur
October 1, 1883
To the President of the United States:
Sir.—
I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction you should turn it at first in order to make it operate.
There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less to keep him.
You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery window.
Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, I find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation of the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able to make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able to reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a matter of history.
Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have safely passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly improved condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution to my successor.
Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. Finding nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became a candidate for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party was able, however, with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow the old man under to a great degree.
It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations for the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of permanent prosperity.
Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself and the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and prompt cooperation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, of course, about incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving proclamation, but rest assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. It is not alone a credit to myself, It reflects credit upon the administration also.
I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the salary as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to fork, as it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other at this point.
You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the cat out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her.
If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put his mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, which you will find near the Etruscan water-pail. This will not in any manner surprise either of these parties.
Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed only with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. I believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz: Those who are in the postal service, and those who are mad because they cannot receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including Sunday.
Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening thud.
Charles Lamb’s letter to Bernard Barton, regarding his cold
January 9th, 1824
Dear B.B.-
Do you know what it is to succumb under an insurmountable day-mare,- “a whoreson lethargy,” Falstaff calls it, -an indisposition to do anything, or to be anything, -a total deadness and distaste,-a suspension of vitality, -an indifference to locality,- a numb, soporifical, good-for-nothingness, -an ossification all over,- an oyster-like insensibility to the passing events, -a mind-stupor,- a brawny defiance to the needles of a thrusting-in conscience. Did you ever have a very bad cold, with a total irresolution to submit to water-gruel processes? This has been for many weeks my lot, and my excuse; my fingers drag heavily over this paper, and to my thinking it is three-and-twenty furlongs from here to the end of this demi-sheet.
I have not a thing to say; nothing is of more importance than another; I am flatter than a denial or a pancake; emptier than Judge Parke’s wig when the head is in it; duller than a country stage when the actors are off it; a cipher, an o! I acknowledge life at all, only by an occasional convulsional cough, and a permanent phlegmatic pain in the chest. I am weary of the world; life is weary of me. My day is gone into twilight, and I don’t think it worth the expense of candles. My wick hath a thief in it, but I can’t muster courage to snuff it.
I inhale suffocation; I can’t distinguish veal from mutton; nothing interests me. ‘Tis twelve o’clock, and Thurtell is just now coming out upon the New Drop, Jack Ketch alertly tucking up his greasy sleeves to do the last office of mortality, yet cannot I elicit a groan or a moral reflection. If you told me the world will be at an end to-morrow, I should just say, “Will it?” I have not volition enough left to dot my i’s, much less to comb my eyebrows; my eyes are set in my head; my brains are gone out to see a poor relation in Moorfields, and they did not say when they’d come back again; my skull is a Grub-street attic to let- not so much as a joint-stool or a crack’d jordan left in it; my hand writes, not I, from habit, as chickens run about a little, when their heads are off. O for a vigorous fit of gout, cholic, toothache, -an earwig in my auditory, a fly in my visual organs; pain is life- the sharper, the more evidence of life; but this apathy, this death!
Did you ever have an obstinate cold, a six or seven weeks’ unintermitting chill and suspension of hope, fear, conscience, and everything? Yet do I try all I can to cure it; I try wine, and spirits, and smoking, and snuff in unsparing quantities, but they all only seem to make me worse, instead of better. I sleep in a damp room, but it does me no good; I come home late o’nights, but do not find any visible amendment! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?
It is just fifteen minutes after twelve; Thurtell is by this time a good way on his journey, baiting at Scorpion perhaps; Ketch is bargaining for his cast coat and waistcoat; and the Jew demurs at first at three half-crowns, but on consideration that he may get somewhat by showing ’em in the town, finally closes.
C. L.
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